I hated thinking of a title for this one. Do I do a twee, upbeat, tongue in cheek 'Let's talk about 2020!' or a straight to the point 'Fuck this year'? Hard to know. Neither would want to make me click on it, so kudos if you got this far.
I know what the year mainly consisted of is painfully obvious for all of us, but I have made a conscious effort to avoid all COVID content this year creatively - which is especially difficult when often there is nothing else to think about. At the beginning of the year I politely declined submissions and call outs for Corona-inspired writing sent to me from my friends, and decided to numb my brain with another episode of Schitt's Creek as the sun went down. And another.
Instead, I want to go through the things that I have realised this year. Things I have learned or unlearnt, stuff that's happened, stuff that didn't. I like the idea of looking back at this next NYE and have a slightly better reaction than I did a few days ago when I found my earnestly titled '2019 Wrapped' email that I sent myself last year, that essentially amounted to a paper graveyard of hopes and dreams that were never meant to materialise. But things - things I never thought would exist - have pushed through the mud, and poked their squinted eyes towards the watery sunlight. Which is a weird comfort, despite the madness of this year.
Let's get into it, shall we?
1) I really, really, with no sense of irony or shame, LOVE The Real Housewives franchise. So much so that I actually am going to do a whole blog about it one day. It truly is the pinnacle of reality TV and those ladies have really got me through this year. Not that anybody asked, but my top three are Beverly Hills, New York, and Atlanta. However Salt Lake City are fast becoming my second favourite (no one touches Bev Hillz) purely due to the BIZARRE undertone of the Mormon Church amongst the glitz and glamour. One is a pole dancing divorcee outcast? One is married to her step grandfather, who was left to her in her grandmother's will? Unreal. Unbeatable, imho.
2) I'm really sorry, but I just don't like running. I have tried couch to 5k twice and each time I have had to stop due to injury in either my hips or knees (old). Don't get me wrong - I LOVE running along the Thames feeling like a Made in Chelsea new cast member, but after a while the motivation just did not materialise. I would much rather go for a 5 hour walk than a 45 minute run. So I will walk more next year.
3) I got two cats this year. First was little Peggy, who we welcomed into our home a week before lockdown 1.0 and initially were told was a boy. We named her Dwight (Schrute), only for us to be informed of our misgendering on her first trip to the vet. She is a sassy little madam who decides when she wants cuddles, only on her own terms (me). She is very clean and very, very small. Vinny, however, who arrived seven months later, is a floppy and fluffy tornado boy who loves to fall into the toilet and flip the bin upside down (Ben). Whilst Peggy prefers Ben and Vinny is a mummy's boy, we adore both of them and they have improved this year by approximately one thousand percent. Pets are the fucking best, aren't they?
4) I think this is the year I fully become a pescatarian. It's been on the cards for years and I feel like the last meat product that I have historically adored, chicken, is on its way out.
5) At the beginning of lockdown 1.0, I unfollowed everyone on instagram that I didn't actively enjoy following. Yes, that did result in some blockings and passive aggressive DM's from some disgruntled ex-followees but I have no regrets. The Kardashians didn't seem to mind, to be fair.
6) Every year I try to buy recycled brown wrapping paper and make it look fancy with bows and ribbons but it always looks shit. Next year I will just empty out Paperchase and buy some jazzy prints, sorry, but I simply do not have the energy.
7) That being said, I would say 75% of my purchases this year have been from independent retailers. Clothes, especially. I followed some 'influencers' more on the fashion and lifestyle side of things and I have really enjoyed their content.
8) Despite everything in me, I really am fond of Molly Mae. She is the only 'influencer' of that ilk who seems kind of genuine and self aware. I know she's thin and blonde and immensely rich and goes to the Maldives in a pandemic, but she makes me laugh. Saying how much she hated Italian food, and the Twitter storm afterwards, was a highlight.
9) I have found two charities this year that I have donated to a few times. One is Black Minds Matter https://www.blackmindsmatteruk.com/ and the other is Magic Breakfast https://www.magicbreakfast.com/. Both do amazing work, so check them out.
10) Fuck, in no uncertain terms, the Tories.
11) We have had a Gousto subscription (not spon) for just over a year now and let me tell you... revolutionary. I have gone from not knowing how to boil water to fully knowing how to make a good béchamel sauce. Learning to cook has been one of those bucket list things that I'm so happy I've ticked off, because not only can I cook, I actually enjoy doing it.
12) I finally had my wisdom teeth out in February, and despite the almost immediate infection I got in all 3 sockets, it was the best decision I ever made. Sobbing into a bag of frozen peas in bed in the pitch black was a particular lowlight, however. My first words after coming around from anaesthetic was '...Fuck Harvey Weinstein', a statement which Ben found hysterical and, rightly pointed out, was at least very on brand.
13) I GOT A FRINGE.
14) After months of persuasion by my brother Tom, we started a Dungeons and Dragons campaign this year! My character is called Naivara Silverfrond, a high wizard elf. I do not mean to toot my own horn but she has got the team out of a few sticky situations with her icy spells on more than one occasion. It's really good fun, and Tom is an amazing Dungeon master. It is quite scary how invested you get into your character though - my friend Lottie told me one of her crew died and she never quite got over it. It honestly is not even worth thinking about.
15) I'm gonna say it... I actually enjoy a Zoom quiz. I still do actually, even in lockdown... 3.0? I've lost count. I'm even doing one tonight!
16) I have lost touch with a few friends this year, which hurts my heart quite a bit. I hope we can reconnect somehow in the new year but it's hard to know where to start. Being in lockdown for the majority of a year really plays a part, but I also realise my responsibility to keep in touch with people. It makes me sad.
17) My health hasn't been great this year. I was diagnosed with IBS in November, which is much less funny than you would assume. THE PAIN. Christ. If any of you reading this have IBS then get in touch with your tips and tricks because it's a minefield. Mine is almost certainly caused by stress, I don't really have any food triggers. But keeping stress levels down has been difficult to say the least, for obvious reasons.
18) If any of you have read my Becoming Unstuck blog, I actually had the same procedure done a few weeks ago for the first time since that horrendous experience a few years ago. It was quick, painless, and the lady was so comforting and reassuring; complete night and day from my first experience. I walked out of St Thomas' hospital and burst into tears on Waterloo Bridge; due to a mixture of relief that it was over, and vindication that what I went through wasn't normal and that I wasn't making it up. It felt like a nice bit of closure that I didn't know how much I needed.
19) I got onto a mentorship scheme with Channel 4. Jesus Christ. That's all for another blog, though. You're going to wanna know how much I bombed my interview, trust me.
20) Again, no shame or irony for this one. Taylor Swift and folklore really changed the game, didn't it? I think I've listened to that album over two hundred times. evermore is really growing on me but wow, what a level of storytelling. Taylor Swift was never really on my radar fully before but she has got me now; hook, line and sinker.
21) One of my favourite chunks of 2020 has been the 3-5 day window in November where I literally... and I mean literally in every sense of the word... did not stop watching the US election coverage on CNN. I woke up to it at 7am; I watched Chris Cuomo change to John King and his magic wall. I fell in love with Kristen Collins' turtlenecks and whatever skincare Abby Phillips uses, because... damn. When I got up to go to the toilet in the night, I put on CNN. I was NOT going to miss the moment the orange lump of rotting offal was booted out of office, and when it finally came, it was as glorious as I had anticipated. The 3am messages from my mate Tom, such as 'The Allegheny votes are down to 20k - so we're in the final stages of PA' and 'LOOK AT FUCKING GEORGIA' were also a fantastic addition. I will admit that I would have enjoyed my CNN binge less if it went red, however. Elections are way more fun when it goes your way, who knew?
22) Despite the weird Corona dreams everyone was having in March and April, my sleep pattern has actually really improved this year. I also downloaded the Calm app, so now we both love putting on the light rain sounds to send us to sleep. Highly recommend. However, I cannot listen to Harry Styles' sleep story because, in all honesty, it makes me feel anything but sleepy.
23) If any of you know my boyfriend Ben, then you will know that he loves a Board game. As in, he collects and buys and sells them. Which has been a learning curve for me over the years as I descend into my role is Mrs Monopoly, First Lady of Catan, Queen of Quacks of Quedlinburg. However, when you are plunged into a national lockdown, they become a godsend. In particular, we really got into 'at home' escape rooms. They are SO GOOD! Very stressful, and our success rate (unlike real rooms) is not great. But would highly recommend the Unlocked series. Make sure you grab yours for Tiers 6, 7 and 8!
24) This year. Was the year. That I FIXED. My SKIN. Listen to me closely - if I could go back to my 12 year old (yes 12) self, shake her by the shoulders and yeet her make up wipes out the window, I would. For so long I wondered why my make up was just peeling off my face after an hour, and after taking to instagram wailing how I'm too old for makeup and I should just join a commune, a few people asks the obvious question... what skincare do you use? Turns out, my skin was thirstier than a 13 year old me watching Pride and Prejudice (2005). Hyaluronic acid, some seaweed moisturiser, and an aloe cleanser have been revolutionary. I never really had bad skin, but I never had good skin either. So if you need advice, I basically pretend that I work for The Ordinary so let's chat.
25) I have LOVED buying from my friends small businesses this year. Christmas cards, baked goods, artwork, etc. You are all very clever and inspiring.
26) I was fully on the Florence Given hype, then out of it in under 2 weeks. Sorry but... not for me.
27) I had one of the best days of my life this year, weirdly, and that was my friend Luke's birthday in Brighton. It was in July, where the restrictions had relaxed enough for us to semi pretend that things were semi normal. We spent all day outside on the beach, playing mini golf, rinsing the 2p machines, eating ice cream on the pier. The title picture on this blog was taken that day. It's a little glimmer of happiness that feels a million miles away now. But I really, really love Brighton.
My brother Tom, Abercrombie and Fitch-ing in front of the old Brighton pier, July 2020.
28) I have a full blown addiction to Diet Coke now. Yes, I am middle aged.
29) The thought of my old commute into central London at 6am and coming home at 6pm makes me honestly feel sick. Why did we ever think that was an acceptable way to live?! I was so unhealthy, so unhappy, so tired all the time. My relationship suffered, as did my mental health, and I felt like lockdown came at a really pivotal moment. I hope, as we slowly start to exit the pandemic highway, that we take elements of being stuck inside with us. I never want to go back to that version of myself again.
30) Personally, I learnt to slow down, to appreciate life on a whole other level, to look after my body and brain, to stop punishing myself constantly. I think 2020, in its own horrible, stressful, lonely way, has been actually really important.
So... it's New Year's Eve tonight, and I guess I could count this as my 2020 Wrapped. This year, I have decided not to make resolutions, list goals, or even express hope for anything next year. Because it may well be a write off, like this one.
Except, I guess, this year wasn't a complete write off. It happened, and it mattered, and it will eventually pass.
So now... to try and sum things up.
How do you do that?
Any words seem completely empty and redundant and I'm not here to pretend that we will wake up tomorrow and things will be better.
But I hope I have managed to make you smile at least once this year in my tiny corner of the internet.
Happy New Year. Because God knows, we need one.
Liv x
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